Why?

As I continue in my never ending journey, I find myself with so many questions beginning with the word "why".

"Why do I have no willpower when it come to McDonald's Iced Coffees and Panera's Cherry Pastries?"

"Why am I never able to make myself drink the 8 glasses of water a day?"

"Why does it matter so much to me what people think of me?"

Yep, let's focus on the last one. I should start off by saying that I am NO means a people pleaser. In fact, I would like to think that I've learned not to roll over when I feel passionately about something. It's just that I dwell on the repercussions and fallout from me doing so. I replay these instances over and again in my head. Eventually, I wittle it away into nothing, but it can take a good long while.

While typing the above paragraph, I actually typed this in:

"I will stand up for something I believe in, but not in mysel"

And then I stopped. It seemed much too profound of a statement to smush into a paragraph with other things. I actually stared at the screen for a good long minute, because I realized that my subconscious had done a fantabulous job of sneaking that in.

It's true. There are MANY things that I am passionate about. Fairness, equality, honesty, photography, politics. Woa ho hooo, most definitely about politics. I abhor inconsistencies, and I do my darnedest to keep from contradicting myself in my words and actions. It really isn't all that easy, but I make a conscious effort, which is more than most.

When it come to ME? The passion is not the same. I don't know if you would call it a lack of self-esteem, confidence or worth. Maybe it's a little of all of them. But it all boils down to the fact that i don't believe in myself nearly half as my as I should. And I think by typing out that little tiny sentence up above, I not only opened A can of worms, I opened 42 cans of worms and dumped them all on the nice, white carpet.

It is said that you have to love yourself before you can even hope of having anyone else love you. Honestly, I believe that some of that stems from the fact that most people are complete witches when they feel unloved. We make the situation more difficult. If no one seems to love us, we'll be mean and then when we go to bed at night, and it makes it easier when we're staring at the ceiling, to believe that our attitude is why. "They hare me because I stand up for myself, of because I don't take any crap".

Apparently revelations make me tired, because I canNOT keep my eyes open. In the interest of not having key marks from the keyboard imprinted in my forehead. Or cheek.

Yawn...