Completely...

I am completely exhausted. I am completely frustrated with myself, in the fact that I can't be honest with people when it means it might hurt them or switch up the friendship. I completely am willing to let people walk all over me if it means keeping the peace. This completely disgusts me.

I am completely overwhelmed. I have completely taken on way too much responsibility, and don't quite know how to give some of it back. I am completely worried that I will feel like a failure if I do give any back. Because I am completely afraid of failing.

I am completely, totally, and utterly confused. I am completely stubborn in admitting this to anywhere other than this blog. I am completely sad, and I don't know how to fix that.

Hmm, actually, I am completely lying about the last part. I know that when I completely accept God back into my life, instead of just flirting with the idea, that a huge weight will be lifted from me. Yet I am completely afraid to do so, and I don't know why.

Do you know what I had a love/hate relationship with as a kid? Etch-a-sketches and those little flip up erasable notepad things. I loved them because if I screwed up, I could erase and start all over again. I hated them because if I screw up, I still had to start all over again.

Life is odd. It's really written in many different instruments, when you think of it. Most things are written in pen or pencil. Some you can go back and erase and others you can't. A handful of things in life are written in highlighter, because they're so important. Then there are the things written in permanent marker, and the even fewer that are written in permanent marker at highlighted. The glaring decision that scream LOOK AT ME, I am not erasable. You can't take me back, you can't cover me with white out, so neener neener.

My relationship with God is currently in pencil. Sometimes he's there and other times he can be erased. He should be in permanent marker and highlighted. I don't know why I'm so hesitant on this.

Right now, I just feel broken into a million pieces on the inside. And I hate that.

Sense and Laziness

Have you ever wondered why so many people these days aren't skinny, or at least in shape? I have. It's not as though I'm looking down upon people for their weight, because I would be hippo critical to do so. (By the way, spell check broke that into two words- who knew?)

I guess what I mean is, why has America become so comfortable with being so "soft"? And the only answer I can get is that we're lazy, myself included. Now, of course I realize that there are a select few that can't truly manage their weight. But let's be honest here and say that it is only a few.

We've come accustomed to the HERE and NOW, and the hell with the consequences. So many times I've eaten something and said to myself, "We'll, I'll work out tonight" or "This is the last blah blah blah". 9 times out of 10, I don't. And, if I'm being honest, I know when I say it in my head that I'm lying. So, if I know I'm lying, why lie to begin with? Why do I need to placate myself when I know it's a sham?

All I can think of is that it's easier to just not "do" anything. Exercise isn't pleasant when you're fat. It's sweaty and painful and stressful.

It's so easy to be lazy. It's so easy to give in. That doesn't make it right though, does it?

I'm A Meanie

First of all, let me state that I refuse to be responsible for any random posts made after midnight. I operate close to the edge of sanity during normal hours, and cannot be expected to maintain it after most of the rest of the world has gone to bed.

Now, that said.

I've done therapy. Not for being a meanie, but for being an emet. Emetophobic, more specifically. I have been battling a phobia of nausea/vomiting since I was about 14. I've determined that I really don't like talking to a therapist about my problems. Because I feel like I'm whining. And, (more) honestly? I hate not being able to do things on my own (i.e fix myself). Because when I don't do them on my own, I can't take the credit. I'm selfish like that. If I don't do it on my own, I can't be sure that it's been done right. I'm anal like that. And because when I become extremely honest with myself- I'm not a team player.

There. I said it. I am, in essence, a lone wolf. I would like to say that perhaps circumstances in my life have led me to be this way, but I think I would be lying. I think I've always enjoyed playing a tad bit on the outskirts of everyone, and only letting a few people in. I'm not sure if I should apologize for that or not? I'm just someone that likes playing with her cards close to her chest. To some people, I may seem cold and I'm probably hard to read. In that respect, I'm not a meanie. I'm just guarded.

However, I am a meanie. I didn't used to be. I didn't use to feel so angry and frustrated and seething deep down inside. I know the catalysts for these feelings- a 4 year long emotionally and physically abusive relationship. I say catalyst because, not only did I chose to stay in the relationship, I am also choosing to let the experiences dictate my feelings 10 years later.

It's amazing what memories we choose to hold on to, don't you think? One night, in the middle of a drunken tirade, my ex basically told me that I was too nice and that he was just trying to show me what the "real world" was all about. That phrase has haunted me ever since. Maybe at some point I'll go into further detail of what I chose to stick around for in the relationship, but honestly, it's already been spoken of and hashed over many times. I firmly believe any resentment I am holding on to is towards myself.

Why leads to the question- how do I fix myself? I don't believe I can completely go back to who I was before that time, but shouldn't I be able to find a way to become a stronger, more enlightened version of that person?

Hmm, I always feel like I'm cutting these off in mid-thought, but maybe that's best. Maybe I shouldn't be mulling over so many different things so quickly.

The Leaf

Have you ever felt as though you're a leaf floating along a stream? I suppose you could say that it takes the phrase, "Go with the flow" to help describe it.

A leaf falls into the water from the tree next to the stream. Although fall is really not the most accurate word. Semi-floating free descent (SFD) sums it up better, in my opinion. Once it hits the stream, it makes a slight ripple, and dips in ever so gently. Then, it's picked up by the current of the stream and off it goes. Which brings me back to my question. Have you ever felt like that leaf? I'm guessing that you're shaking your head yes right about now.

Now, here's a sub-thought. Why is it that sometimes going with the flow is a good thing, but other times it's bad. If the leaf had never taken the SFD from the tree, or if it had landed and stayed put, it would still only be aware of it's immediate surroundings. Once it lands in the stream, it's on a journey. So in the good way, going with the flow is being on a journey. It's kind of like going on a vacation that someone else planned. While you might not always go where you want to go, you do end up seeing things you wouldn't have thought to go see if you were calling the shots.

In the bad way, though, you might end up in choppy waters. You might get constantly sucked under water and spit back up to the surface, just praying for calm waters ahead. You can't see ahead, though, and you're busy just trying not to feel like you're drowning.

We are always going to run into choppy waters. It's a fact of life. So how do we make it easier to survive? To endure?

I tell you what, it's scary to see how weirdly my mind works at 1am. The odd thoughts that pop into my head are a tad bit unnerving, even to me. I do know one thing- when I type on this blog late at night, I get so sleepy. Sleepier than I've felt in a long time.

And I like that...

Not Me Monday

Let me start off by saying, I am most certainly not drinking a beer right now.

I am not contemplating how much I want to share on this semi-anonymous blog. I am not wondering if my family, and more specifically, in-laws, would ever stumble across this and put the pieces together and figure out it's me. Because I would never think of bitching about them. My in-laws, more specifically, my sister-in-law, has never irritated me to the point that I want to pull out my own hair.

I was asked by my hubby's sister to take a grandchildren photograph this past weekend, as all 11 would be together for the first time in years. After all, I am supposed to be the "professional photographer". Of course, I never thought about gouging my eyes out at the thought of this, even though the age range was 7 months to 14. I never considered telling my SIL thanks, but no thanks, because I knew our other SIL would be a complete PITA about the whole thing. Because this other SIL has never belittled my "hobby" in the past, and most certainly never glares any time I pull out a camera at social functions. She has definitely never told me on multiple occasions that she doesn't want me using pictures of her children in advertisements on the internet to promote my business. Nope, not once.

I did agree to take the picture, in the interest of my MIL and because I like my other SIL. And for my own children's sake. However, I never (no, never, not ever) strongly suggested some simple clothing (jeans and solid color shirts of any color) to help keep the the focus of the pictures on the kids, and not mismatching patterns.

I did not go out and buy 3 new polo shirts for our children, and most certainly did not buy a pair of baby jean shorts for our youngest. That would be crazy, right?

When everyone started to arrive, I was not at all upset to realize that only 1 child of the 6 that weren't ours was dressed in the outfit I suggested. I was not extremely ticked off to have the same people that agreed to bring these clothes (as a seperate outfit, if need be) that it wasn't a big deal and what they were wearing would be fine.

I didn't get angry at all when I was basically told to kiss off when I asked for all the children to take off their dirty sneakers and socks for the picture. I did not want to punch anything when my MIL came up to tell me that my SIL would not let her children in the photograph until she had my assurance that I wouldn't be using them on the internet for advertising purposes. I did not want to punch my SIL when she came up to me 5 minutes later to double check that I wasn't going to be using the pictures on the net for advertising purposes.

I never thought of refusing to take the picture and telling them that my brother in law, who brought along his camera and tripod, could take it. I did not repeat to myself over and over that "I am doing this for my kids". I never said to my husband that I would never take another picture for his family again.

And that about sums it up...