Completely...

I am completely exhausted. I am completely frustrated with myself, in the fact that I can't be honest with people when it means it might hurt them or switch up the friendship. I completely am willing to let people walk all over me if it means keeping the peace. This completely disgusts me.

I am completely overwhelmed. I have completely taken on way too much responsibility, and don't quite know how to give some of it back. I am completely worried that I will feel like a failure if I do give any back. Because I am completely afraid of failing.

I am completely, totally, and utterly confused. I am completely stubborn in admitting this to anywhere other than this blog. I am completely sad, and I don't know how to fix that.

Hmm, actually, I am completely lying about the last part. I know that when I completely accept God back into my life, instead of just flirting with the idea, that a huge weight will be lifted from me. Yet I am completely afraid to do so, and I don't know why.

Do you know what I had a love/hate relationship with as a kid? Etch-a-sketches and those little flip up erasable notepad things. I loved them because if I screwed up, I could erase and start all over again. I hated them because if I screw up, I still had to start all over again.

Life is odd. It's really written in many different instruments, when you think of it. Most things are written in pen or pencil. Some you can go back and erase and others you can't. A handful of things in life are written in highlighter, because they're so important. Then there are the things written in permanent marker, and the even fewer that are written in permanent marker at highlighted. The glaring decision that scream LOOK AT ME, I am not erasable. You can't take me back, you can't cover me with white out, so neener neener.

My relationship with God is currently in pencil. Sometimes he's there and other times he can be erased. He should be in permanent marker and highlighted. I don't know why I'm so hesitant on this.

Right now, I just feel broken into a million pieces on the inside. And I hate that.