I'm A Meanie

First of all, let me state that I refuse to be responsible for any random posts made after midnight. I operate close to the edge of sanity during normal hours, and cannot be expected to maintain it after most of the rest of the world has gone to bed.

Now, that said.

I've done therapy. Not for being a meanie, but for being an emet. Emetophobic, more specifically. I have been battling a phobia of nausea/vomiting since I was about 14. I've determined that I really don't like talking to a therapist about my problems. Because I feel like I'm whining. And, (more) honestly? I hate not being able to do things on my own (i.e fix myself). Because when I don't do them on my own, I can't take the credit. I'm selfish like that. If I don't do it on my own, I can't be sure that it's been done right. I'm anal like that. And because when I become extremely honest with myself- I'm not a team player.

There. I said it. I am, in essence, a lone wolf. I would like to say that perhaps circumstances in my life have led me to be this way, but I think I would be lying. I think I've always enjoyed playing a tad bit on the outskirts of everyone, and only letting a few people in. I'm not sure if I should apologize for that or not? I'm just someone that likes playing with her cards close to her chest. To some people, I may seem cold and I'm probably hard to read. In that respect, I'm not a meanie. I'm just guarded.

However, I am a meanie. I didn't used to be. I didn't use to feel so angry and frustrated and seething deep down inside. I know the catalysts for these feelings- a 4 year long emotionally and physically abusive relationship. I say catalyst because, not only did I chose to stay in the relationship, I am also choosing to let the experiences dictate my feelings 10 years later.

It's amazing what memories we choose to hold on to, don't you think? One night, in the middle of a drunken tirade, my ex basically told me that I was too nice and that he was just trying to show me what the "real world" was all about. That phrase has haunted me ever since. Maybe at some point I'll go into further detail of what I chose to stick around for in the relationship, but honestly, it's already been spoken of and hashed over many times. I firmly believe any resentment I am holding on to is towards myself.

Why leads to the question- how do I fix myself? I don't believe I can completely go back to who I was before that time, but shouldn't I be able to find a way to become a stronger, more enlightened version of that person?

Hmm, I always feel like I'm cutting these off in mid-thought, but maybe that's best. Maybe I shouldn't be mulling over so many different things so quickly.