Today...

I don't feel so very changed. I found it all too comforting to be the meanie with the quick wit. And then I feel guilty afterward.

It was alot easier to "walk with God" back in high school. That sounds horrible to say, but looking back, I had it SO easy. Almost all of the major "problems" that rocked my world were of my own doing. I spent 3 or 4 months of my senior year in emotional turmoil because I'd made out with my best friend (a guy), who also happened to be good friends with my boyfriend. Yes, boyfriend. Then, I told said boyfriend, started dating best friend. Stopped, started, wanted boyfriend back, cry, whine, moan, rinse and repeat. All of my doing. Emotional anguish because I made a bad choice, and followed it up with several more.

I'd like to think that I've evolved since then. I guess you could say that I am not a cheater anymore. I love the hubby on most days, and I've always told myself if things ever went so far south that I wanted someone else, I would no longer be married first. Not that I consider that an option, but hopefully, you know what I mean.

Back to evolving- I still make bad choices. We all do, I know, but I feel like I am spinning around in a little hamster wheel, never really getting anywhere. Most days, I don't feel like an adult. A referee, MOST definitely. An adult, no.

And not only do I feel no more evolved than I did in high school, I have more responsibilities and issues to deal with. Again, my own doing. Married an individual that already had a child- check! Decided to have 4 additional children- check! Start my own business- check!

Hmm, I think I'm walking the line on whining here, and that's not what I want. (Let's see if I cannot whine about whining! LOL) I want to have an open, honest, and frank conversation with myself about why I am the way I am. I want to realize the things about my love that love, and embrace them, as well as the things that I hate, so that I can focus of changing them. I don't see how whining gets me anywhere towards either one of those goals.

So, keeping that in mind. As an adult, I feel it's more a challenge to walk with God because somedays I feel sucker punched everytime I turn around. I guess you could say that I've laid alot of electrical in the past 14 or so years that I faltered. It's going to take me awhile to rewire myself.

So, if anyone IS out there and reading, feel free to answer this otherwise rhetorical question (that seemingly pops up unrelated)-

If, in my attempt to become closer to God and be an overall nicer person, I have friends that challenge this, should I:

Take on the challenges that are presented
Let the friendship fade away because it's counter productive to my own sanity and journey
Some other option I haven't thought about

I ask, because the so-called friends in my life at the moment are, in my opinion, toxic. Overall, they have good hearts, but they are even more lost than I am. I actually feel more like a dumping ground for their problems in many cases. That sounds horrible to say, doesn't it?

Hmm, in the effort to not sound so bitchy, I'll sit on this for a day or so and regroup.